Hang up, shut up and just DRIVE!

Enough about food…. I am getting hungry, and it is just too hard to get Cheetos dust out of my computer keyboard so let’s move on.  Cell phones. Wow, what a dangerous, risky contraption. No other invention in the world can get you hired, fired, married, buried, and arrested (not necessarily in that order) all before 10:30 a.m. And everyone has their “cell phone voice”. I believe I read a state law that when speaking on a cell phone you must speak in your loudest possible voice. If people fifty feet away cannot hear and accurately describe your conversation, stop embarrassing all of us and just hang up. Then there are those of us who choose to wander the city aimlessly on foot staring at the phone, praying that it will ring, email us, or text us. Then they are the few…the brave… the ones that choose to defy all common sense, decency, and ounce of morality and dare to pump gas while using this contraption. Haven’t you read the sign on the pump? The picture of a phone with a big red “no” bar through it? Wow. Talk about tempting fate. Oh yes, then  we have the geniuses that decide driving while using this marvelous invention is a good idea. Sure. Not a problem. Give me a five ton weapon in one hand, and a phone in the other. I can do both, texting on the phone helps me concentrate on the road. It heightens the awareness of my surroundings. I actually saw a lady crocheting while driving eighty miles an hour on the interstate. She had to be at least a thousand years old. How do I know she was that old? Because she had her breast laying on the gas pedal so her toes could be free for texting on the phone while her hands were busy crocheting. What skills.  Her grandchildren (I believe their names are Moses and Noah) must be very proud however I am pretty sure Noah used a Bluetooth while navigating his boat. Rumor has it that Moses tripped and dropped the 10 commandments because he was playing Words with Friends on Facebook and got distracted when he scored 200 points for the word Fornication. 

Pineapple rings

So I guess that’s enough on our dark overlord tobacco. We have put a saddle on that beaten to death horse and rode it out of town.  I traded tobacco for another vice. Food.  I have been known to block the doorway and/or sidewalk of many fine establishments with a Twinkie, a triple cheeseburger, a deep fried pickle and a barrel of diet soda. And don’t forget the fries. And cheese on the fries. And ranch dressing to dip the cheese fries in. Not to mention my big ass blocking entry into these fine establishments. I know the risk involved with not observing a “proper diet”. The waistline, sweat, and gastro-intestinal noises increase, the inability to get out of bed, the inability (or desire) to do things while in bed, social opportunities, as well as the will to live decreases.  You wake up one morning and suddenly all the clothing in your closets have been replaced with stretchy sweat pants (as if you don’t sweat enough) and with t-shirts three sizes too small that make your man boobs protrude from the shirt sleeves like two big hams. The only ring piercing my nipples would be a pineapple ring.